HighMaintenance Women
by Peter Simons
Summary: After months of telling lies to Trip, T'Pol finally gets her act together and is honest for a change. His reaction is not what she has hoped for. Absolutely no happy end, read on your own risk!


**High-Maintenance Women**

**Summary:** After months of telling lies to Trip, T'Pol finally gets her act together and is honest for a change. His reaction is not what she has hoped for. Absolutely no happy end, read on your own risk!

**Author's Note:** This story was inspired by the mini-arc of season three, which begun with »_Azati Prime_« and has, so far, been continued up to »_E²_«. If you haven't seen the episodes yet, this will probably not make much sense.

--------

Trip was worried sick!

»Doctor, please tell me what the hell is going on! What is happening to her?«

»Commander, please be calm. T'Pol just needs rest, she will be fine.«

»She didn't look fine at all. She collapsed and shook like a leaf!«

»Believe me, Commander, her condition is not as bad as it appears. She will be fine.«

--------

T'Pol was still weak from the seizure. She had assumed, the withdrawal symptoms wouldn't return with so much force. She had been wrong. Out of nowhere, the terror and pain had hit her. She and Commander Tucker had been trying to get a plasma injector back online. She remembered the moment clearly: He had asked her to hand him the micro-spanner. And when she had given it to him, her hand had shaken violently. They both had been too perplexed to say anything for a moment — then everything went black. She had no memory of what had happened after that. The next thing she knew was, that she had woken up in Sickbay.

»Captain, I am fine. My emotional control has lapsed, but there is no need to be concerned.«

»I am not convinced. You haven't been yourself lately. I am worried about you. Even more so, I am worried about the safety of my crew, T'Pol. Your lapse of control didn't cause any damage this time, but what if it had happened on the bridge? During a crisis?«

»Captain, I assure you there is no need to worry. I will retire and meditate, and by tomorrow morning, I will be fit for duty.«

»What do you say to this, Phlox?«

The Denobulan shifted uncomfortably. Jonathan Archer noticed, how untypically earnest he was. He usually kept-up his cheerful optimism under the most unlikely circumstances. But now, he wasn't cheerful at all.

»It is difficult to say anything for certain, Captain. I will need more time to analyze the scans I have taken.«

»In that case, you are off-duty until further notice, T'Pol. Go to your quarters and _rest_. You really need a break!«

»Captai—«

»I have made my decision. Keep me posted, Phlox. We will discuss this, once you have new results.«

Archer stormed out of Sickbay. He was annoyed as hell. Did these two think he was an idiot? When T'Pol and the Doctor believed, her medical condition was none of his business, then so be it. But he would not allow her obsession with privacy to interfere with the mission. He couldn't use a First Officer who collapsed at random times, god-dammit!

T'Pol and Phlox watched the Captain leave the room, then they looked at each other.

»Thank you, Phlox.«

»You better not thank me too early, T'Pol. You know I respect your privacy. You know I respect the oath I have taken as a physician. But I cannot believe, you haven't told the Captain yet! This is grossly irresponsible, T'Pol. And if you don't do it soon, then I will. I am not prepared to lie for you any longer.«

--------

T'Pol stood in the Captain's ready room and waited for his reaction to what she had just told him. It was out of her hands now, Phlox had been quite clear. She was forced to reveal her addiction. Whether she wanted to, or not.

»YOU ARE WHAT?«

»Captai—«

»You collapsed because of _withdrawal_, T'Pol?«

»Yes. I had assumed, the effect of the Trellium-D had been cured complete—«

»Then you should have been more _logical_ in your assumptions, T'Pol! I cannot believe you took this risk!«

»I didn't know the Trellium-D would be addictive, Captain. When I started to use it in sm—«

»I am not talking about your addiction, Subcommander, I am talking about the risk you took with the lives of the men and women under your command!«

While yelled these words at her, a horrible realization came to him.

»Did you experience withdrawal symptoms while you were in command at Azati Prime, Subcommander?«

But before she could answer, he cut her off with a gesture, then turned around and looked at the stars through the window in his ready room. He couldn't risk looking at her; he was afraid, he would do something inappropriate in his anger. He didn't dare to hear the answer to his question. Not right now.

»You are relieved as First Officer. I will talk to Phlox about how to proceed. Dismissed.«

He kept standing with his back to her, while she left the room.

--------

Trip's world had been shattered to smithereens. Over the course of the last three years, he had been confronted with quite a few things, which he had found difficult to understand. But now he had learned something that was so entirely out of his grasp, that he wished, he had never learned of it. The knowledge made his temples throb.

Only a day ago, he had been in love with a wonderful woman. Now he was forced to realize, that he hadn't had any idea, who this women really was.

He banged his fist against his brow several times in exasperation. How was he supposed to deal with this? What was he supposed to _do_ about this?

--------

»Commander, may we talk for a moment?«

»It is ship's business, I assume?«

»No, Commander. I need to speak with you privately.«

»I am on duty, Subcommander. And so are you.«

»Can we talk tonight then? I owe you an explanation, Commander.«

»I am not certain I want to hear it, T'Pol.«

»Please, Commander. It is very important for me.«

Trip took a deep breath. He didn't want to do this.

»I'll come by your quarters at 2100 hours, if that is alright with you?«

»Yes, Commander. Thank you.«

--------

Trip had no idea why he had agreed to see her. Whatever it was that she would tell him, it would be painful. Why was he willingly walking into these quarters, even though he knew, he would be hurt once inside?

He reminded himself that T'Pol needed help. Now more than ever. That's what friends are for, right? She had helped him. She _had_ been there for him. No matter whether he liked it or not, her well-being was important to him. She was important to him. He could not push her away in a situation like this.

_That_ was the reason, why he would walk into these quarters, even though he knew, he would be hurt once inside.

»Good evening, Commander. Please, come in.«

--------

»… when I was exposed to Trellium-D, I discovered, that it allowed me to access certain emotions, to feel them while keeping all other emotions under control. I was able to feel pleasant emotions without risking to release the dangerous ones.«

»So you kept using it?«

»Yes. I erroneously assumed, there would be little or no risk.«

»If you thought it was no risk, then why did you keep it secret?«

»Vulcans are very private peopl—«

»That is no logical reason, T'Pol.«

»I could not assume, anybody would understan—«

»That is no logical reason either, T'Pol. Rational people don't _assume_ things they cannot know.«

»When I began to experiment, there really was no need to discuss it. Only lately has it become clea—«

»This is all bullshit, T'Pol. You kept it secret because you knew right the start, that what you were doing was dangerous. The stuff is _poisonous_ to you, for crying out loud!«

»It was a risk I was willing to take.«

»What about your responsibility for the men and women under your command? Did you ask anyone of them, whether they are willing to have a commanding officer who hallucinates every now and then? Or collapses at random times?«

»I did not anticipate the dangers, Commander. I assum—«

»_Stop talking bullshit_, T'Pol! You always calculate the risks, you always estimate the dangers, you have _always_ been excessively cautious! If you don't tell me the truth, then we don't need to talk at all.«

By now, Trip was seriously mad. Hadn't she wasted enough of his time already by telling him lies? Would it ever end? Would she ever get her act together and admit to the truth? Like any other inferior human does it hundreds of times a day? Even without mental discipline, without millennia of history in the pursuit of logic?

He had walked into her quarters with the intent to help, with the intend to be there for her. But now, he was _sick_ of her behavior!

He tried to calm himself down using the breathing technique she had taught him. And to his amazement, it worked very well. She had said nothing the whole time, she just sat there and looked at him. She looked so vulnerable! It tore his heart apart — but he used every ounce of strength to keep his emotions under control. This was _not_ a time to be emotional. Emotions had caused this disaster in the first place, they were certainly not the answer to it.

At last, she spoke again.

»I apologize, Commander. You are right.«

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before she went on.

»The emotions I was able to access … they were very specific. It were emotions, I felt in your presence. Emotions, I felt for you.«

She hesitated before she added: »I still feel them.«

And then she told him the truth.

The whole truth.

--------

»Good evening, Trip. You are up late.«

Trip jerked in surprise when she addressed him. He hadn't even seen her coming to his table!

»Amanda? Hi. Sorry, I was in thoughts.«

»I noticed.«

The MACO studied his face for several moments. She made no effort to hide her concern.

»Are you alright, Trip? You look like you have seen a ghost!«

Trip let out a bitter laugh.

»You wouldn't believe if it, if I told you.«

»Try me.«

»Promise me not to tell _anyone_, Amanda. I am serious.«

»You have my word.«

»I saw a ghost.«

He glanced at Corporal Cole, who had sat down opposite of him. He saw no indication of her not taking him seriously.

»I dreamt about Crewmen Taylor. I had a full-blown discussion with her, actually.«

Trip shook his head and laughed bitterly once more.

»What did you talk about?«

»She helped me write the letter of condolence to her parents.«

»I am sorry, Trip. That must have been hard.«

»Yeah … it was.«

»I dreamt about fallen comrades, too, Trip. That is not unusual.«

She swallowed hard at the memory and said nothing more.

»How do you deal with that, Amanda? How do you go on living with the guilt of having survived?«

»I don't know. I don't think too much about it, I guess. Our unit sticks together tightly, we help each other with these experiences. You wouldn't believe it, if I told you …«

Trip couldn't help but grin: »Try me.«

»Major Hayes had us all sit down and talk about our feelings after the attack.«

»Hayes? You are kidding!«

Amanda grinned back at him.

»Yeah, I know. Hard to believe, isn't it?«

»Hayes talked about his feelings? Did he invite Malcolm?«

Now they both laughed.

»I know it sounds absurd, but it really helped. You know, we are not just a bunch of people who enjoy to carry big guns, Trip. Our MACO unit is like family. We trust each other with our _lives_ … so trusting each other with our problems is not a big deal, actually.«

»How does such a session work? Did you guys have psychological training or something?«

»Hell no! It's not like you think it is, really. We just sat down with a few beer and talked. Nothing more. And eventually I just realized, that there is no alternative to going on, you know? Our friends are dead … but we are _not_. We owe it to them to go on, we can't just stop caring about our mission.«

She looked him in the eyes intensely before she added: »Neither can we stop caring about _ourselves_, Trip.«

»Sounds logical when you say it, Amanda. But I don't know how to do it. I thought, I was over it all. I thought, I had dealt with all this. But every time I see the light at the end of the tunnel, things get worse. And I am tired of it.«

He looked around the battered remains of the mess hall and gestured at the debris.

»I am sick and tired of it ALL, Amanda.«

»I know how you feel. You don't allow yourself to be happy anymore. You don't think it's right to be happy under these circumstances. But it's crap! If anything, we have _even more_ of a right to be happy under _these_ circumstances.«

»I see. So I'll just be happy from now on. And how do you suggest I do that?«

»You could start by getting your ass out of that chair and help me find the beer I have somewhere in the sorry remains of my quarters.«

--------

»You know what, Amanda? I realize, I have spent too little time with humans recently.«

»What makes you say that?«

»Nothing in particular. It just feels good to be … understood.«

»Is there someone in particular, who you feel doesn't understand you?«

--------

»Wait a second, T'Pol. I am not sure I follow. You are telling me, you have feelings for me? And that you used Trellium-D to _access_ them?«

»Yes.«

»When did you begin to do that?«

»Three months ago.«

»THREE MONTHS?«

»Yes. After I was exposed to Trellium-D on the SELEYA.«

--------

»I don't think I'm supposed to talk about this topic, Amanda. Sorry.«

»Why not?«

»It's private.«

»If it's private, then you can talk to whomever you want to, Trip. If it were _business_, then you were not supposed to talk about it.«

»It concerns another crew member, Amanda. It concerns another crew member's privacy, not mine.«

»T'Pol did not have any problem talking to me about you.«

»She did _what_?«

--------

»For the last three months, you have been feeling emotions for me? You were injecting a poisonous substance into your bloodstream so that you could feel them, but you didn't bother _telling me_ how you feel? How is that logical, T'Pol?«

»I was uncertain what I feel.«

»Apparently, you were certain enough to poison yourself so that you could feel it, T'Pol. That sounds pretty damn _certain_ to me.«

»I was uncertain whether the feelings would remain, Commander. I had no idea whether they were permanent, whether they would stay once I stopped using Trellium-D.«

»No-one is _ever_ certain whether feelings will remain forever, T'Pol. If that had to be the case, intelligent life would have died out long ago!«

--------

»When Phlox sent me to T'Pol to have your neuro-pressure … uh, fixed, she asked me dozens of questions about our relationship to each other.«

Trip couldn't believe his ears.

»She asked you about us?«

Amanda nodded and took another sip of beer.

»What did she ask?«

»Calm down, Trip. Nothing intimate … I thought, she was just curious.«

»Let me tell you this, Amanda. She was a lot more than just curious.«

--------

»Eventually, I became so dependent on the emotions, that I couldn't stop using Trellium-D any longer.«

»That's the most bizarre declaration of love I have ever heard of, T'Pol.«

--------

»What do you mean by _more than curious_?«

»She was checking you out, Amanda. She wanted to know how serious things are between us. And when she realized, there might be something, she decided to act.«

»To act?«

»Trust me, you don't want to know.«

»Trip, it is obvious that this bothers you. I _do_ want to know.«

Trip gulped down his beer and carelessly threw the empty can into the remains of Amanda's devastated quarters before he reached for another one.

»Ah, what the hell!«

He opened the can and took another sip.

»Listen, there was something going on between T'Pol and me.«

»That's hardly news, Trip.«

»For me it is. I learned of it _today_. About four hours ago.«

»Are you stupid? How could you have missed that she has the hots for you? I thought, it was rather obvious.«

»Maybe it was obvious from your perspective, but not from mine. For _weeks_, she has been denying it's anything serious. She has flat-out told me, she was not interested in a relationship. Whenever I brought the topic up, she accused me of being possessive and emotional! So eventually, I believed her that I was imagining things.«

»Wait a second — just yesterday, we had the future _son_ of the two of you on board, Trip. Did you believe, you were imagining that?«

--------

»Let me ask you a question, T'Pol. Did you _ever_ consider, how I felt?«

»Of course I did, Commander!«

»Then why did you keep hurting my feelings all this time?«

»When did I hurt your feelings?«

»Are you nuts? How about, when you called the intimacy we shared an _exploration of sexuality_?«

»It was.«

»No, T'Pol. It was a _lot_ more. It was a lot more for me. And now I learn, it was a lot more for you as well. That clearly makes it more than just an exchange of bodily fluids.«

»I wasn't certain of my feelings at the time, Commander.«

»So what? Neither was I! That's why I wanted to TALK to you about it, remember? But you brushed me off and told me, it had no meaning at all to you. Remember? Your words were: _Thank you for facilitating my exploration of human sexuality. It is one of the many aspects of your species I have been meaning to explore._«

»It was the truth.«

»No, it was not! You were injecting poison into your bloodstream to access emotions for me, T'Pol. There is a huge difference between that and exploring _one of many aspects_ you might be interested in.«

»Still, it was the truth.«

»Fine. So it was the truth then. Insist on it, if you want to. It only tells me the answer to my question: You do _not_ consider how I feel.«

»I don't understand, Commander. What do you suggest I should have said instead?«

--------

»It is hard to say what I believed, Amanda, it really is. I have made an effort to reach her, several times in fact. I have tried to speak with her. About us. But she simply refused to discuss it. Like I said, she flat-out told me, she was not interested in a relationship.«

»But you believe she is?«

»I have no idea. That's what makes me so mad: I keep receiving mixed signals all the time. One day, she is sweet, and cares, and looks out for me. But the next day, she lies into my face.«

»I don't think she would ever lie to you, Trip. Not telling the truth is illogical, why would she do it?«

»She does it to protect her own feelings, regardless of the fact, that she is hurting mine.«

»You are kidding? You don't really believe that?«

»It's a fact. After we have met our son … — Wait a second, give me another beer. I cannot possibly face this sober.«

»It's the last two, Trip. Let's make them count.«

They ripped their cans open, looked at each other, and then banged the beers together with a satisfying _thump_.

»After I had met Lorian, I was thrilled, to say the least. I mean, sure, he was from a different time-line … whatever that is or means. But just the fact that he did exist thrilled me. You know, there stood the living proof that T'Pol and me would be able to get together after all.«

»You still can.«

»Can you guess what she said, when I tried to talk to her? She said: _It's ridiculous to assume those events are going to happen._«

»Ouch.«

»Yeah, but I wouldn't give up so easily. I asked her, whether maybe she is just afraid to admit, that under the right circumstances she could have feelings for me.«

»What did she say?«

»_Exploring human sexuality with you was a mistake. You are obviously unable to have a physical relationship without developing an emotional attachment._«

»You had sex?«

»Yeah, once. And guess which night …«

»I don't know?«

»The same night Phlox sent you to her, _after_ she had questioned you about our relationship.«

»You are kidding? She realized that … and then … I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!«

»It's the truth.«

»She is a bitch!«

»She is.«

--------

»Look, T'Pol. In a strange way it all doesn't really matter. We both made mistakes, and what is done is done. The important thing now is, that you get well.«

»It's not quite that simple, Commander. The Trellium-D has caused permanent damage to my neural pathways. The emotions I wanted to access … they _are_ permanent now.«

--------

»So what now? Do you love her?«

»I did.«

»That answer usually means you still do.«

»I have no idea what I feel, I am just numb. I have had enough.«

»Come on, Trip. I know how men are. The second she looks at you with her huge beautiful eyes, you melt like ice cream.«

»That's exactly what is pissing me off. That is exactly what I feel she has been doing. Whatever her reasons were, I feel, like I have been manipulated and played with.«

»I doubt she would play with you, Trip. That doesn't sound like Science Officer T'Pol.«

»Perhaps _playing_ is not the best word. Let's put it this way: My emotional well-being has always been secondary to hers. She didn't give a shit about hurting my feelings when she was afraid hers could be hurt.«

»That sounds a bit rash.«

»That's basically what she told a few hours ago.«

--------

»Why are you suddenly telling me this, T'Pol?«

»These emotions are permanent now, Commander. They won't go away, nor can I suppress them. I have come to realize, that I may not be able to handle them without your help. It is very difficult for me to admit this.«

»Yeah, I guess, this all is very difficult for you, T'Pol. I am really sorry about causing you inconvenience.«

--------

»Amanda, I am sorry to bother you with my problems. It's really weird that of all people you are the one who has to listen to this.«

»I don't _have_ to Trip. I had to drag you here and make you drunk before you opened your mouth. You should have said something much earlier, you know that? Besides, I was the one who brought the topic up.«

And she gave him a huge grin.

»You are right. You did! Was it really that obvious?«

»You sure pretend to be tough, Trip. You try to hide your feelings. But you know what? Anyone who just really looks into your face can see what you feel.«

»Is that so?«

She nodded vigorously.

»Good to know. Perhaps I should take some lessons from T'Pol then.«

»I don't think you should. I find men much more attractive who do not pretend they didn't care, who do not pretend they are invincible.«

»You know what I have realized?«

»I have no idea.«

»I like the same quality in women.«

For a long moment they just sat there in companionable silence.

»Thank you, Amanda. I really feel much better now. I have no idea how you've done it, but you've helped me a lot.«

»That's just the beer, Trip.«

Trip laughed out loud, then hugged her, and gave her a kiss on the brow.

»Thanks for the beer then.«

He carefully raised to his feet and tested his balance. Satisfied with his ability to stand up straight, he walked to the door and opened it. But before he left, he turned around and said one last thing.

»Amanda, you are a true friend, you know that?«

She just smiled and nodded. Only after the door had closed and he was long gone did she answer.

»I wish, you would still remember that tomorrow.«

She threw her empty beer can against the wall, got up, walked a few steps towards the bed, and just fell into it face first. And then she cried.

THE END


End file.
